Someone asked what Love to me is. Let’s get all the clichés out of the way. Love is friendship, Love is compassion, Love is “you can have the last bite” although I was dying for that last bite. Love can be anger, jealousy and vulnerability even. But what Love is not, is suffering.
Over the past few years, I’ve had the privilege to experience different kinds of Love, each unique than the other. Love can be close but is never the same in another place. I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you have loved and lost for good or for bad, I urge you not to find it elsewhere. I beg you not to want the same.
When I wanted the same kind of Love, I got the same kind of Love and not a penny more. With time, I settled with it, feeling this is all I can have. It closed me as a person. And then one day, I saw this flower that was so unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Everything about it scared me. It’s size, it’s shape, it’s presence, so unfamiliar to me. It’s petals were so bright that it blinded my fear. It’s smell so strong that it overpowered my insecurities. It’s feel so warm that it melted my frozen heart. I didn’t know how to keep it safe, it was so precious. I didn’t even know if I deserved such a beautiful flower. I kept telling myself that I should pick a flower I know but a selfish part of me wanted to hold on to this one. I would talk to the flower and tell it, “Maybe I should leave you where I saw you.” The flower would say, “Don’t I make you feel good? Why do you want to leave me?” and I said, “Because you are making me feel good and I’m afraid I don’t know how to feel good. I think I don’t deserve it.”
And just like that, there it was. In the name of Love, I had gotten used to not feeling good at all. I thought Love meant suffering, sacrifice, rage, and worry. Until I realised it didn’t have to be. It’s nobody’s fault actually. People love the way they were loved and everyone’s love language is going to be different and that’s okay. It is also human tendency to not focus too much on the bad when you love something. It’s more of an ego problem really, because you cannot even imagine that something you chose to love can end up being bad. You can never go wrong, can you?
But the thing is even if Love feels bad at times, you need to be compensated with the good. There’s Love that can make you blind and irrational and you can lose yourself. While this notion might look funny and cute in books and movies, in the real world, it does not work.
So I would say Love to me is knowing what you don’t want even if it is tempting to you. Breaking the mold. Wanting better, wanting more. For me, it’s feeling safe. Safe that I will be handled with respect, acceptance and understanding. So for Love’s sake, give what you are, without filter and see who stays. That is your flower.
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